Parents : YOU ARE INVITED…should you stay or should you go? article By Disability Beat

YOU ARE INVITED…should you stay or should you go? by Debbie DePalma & Judy Katz; Disability Beat July 31 2011

How do you feel when you find an invitation to a formal event in your mailbox or in-box? Whether it’s a wedding, a work-related party or some other special event, many parents who have a child with a disability have mixed feelings about such invitations. Even if children are invited, deciding whether to stay home or to go to a formal event can be a tough call, in part because many families report that they receive fewer and fewer invitations over time. Here are some suggestions to help make it easier for you to decide.

With parents-only invitations, there are about three choices. You both go; you take turns going; or one of you stays home and the other goes. Factors to consider include your child care options, the distance and length of the event, and the importance of the event. Let’s face it, there are some events that you cannot miss, such as your sister’s wedding or your father’s funeral. There are other events that you should attend because they are work-related, or especially meaningful. Though it isn’t ideal, having one parent attend can sometimes be the best choice. For other events that are close to home, consider each going for part of the event. The advantage of taking turns, is that it allows you to maintain important social connections, even when your family situation makes socializing complicated.

Of course, maintaining positive relationships with trained respite workers, child care workers, and family members helps ensure that when the time comes for the two of you to attend a special event together (or to go yourself, if you’re a single parent), there will be a familiar person you can confidently leave with your child. It will also give you the option to bring your child to events where appropriate, with the support of a care-giver so that you can socialize.

Think outside the box for possible care-givers, such as friends, neighbors, other parents who have a child with a disability, and especially teaching staff. Even if your child’s school or therapy center has a policy against staff providing respite to families, always ask. If they can’t provide the service directly, they may know someone who can.

Many families do not have family members or anyone else whom they feel confident leaving their child with, especially if they are going to an event that is some distance away. For families in this situation, it is even more important to cultivate relationships with people who can help you out for those events that you HAVE to attend.

For events where the whole family is invited, a decision has to be made about whether or not to go as a family. There are many considerations, including what the experience will be like for all the members of your family, as well as for the other guests. Thinking about all the options (all going, some going, taking turns) is the best approach. Parents need to share responsibility for a child with a disability at special events. Deciding whether siblings should also share in the responsibility is another consideration. In any case, having a plan will help ensure success, or at least avoid a worst-case scenario.

When planning to attend a formal event, there might be issues around clothing, food, supervision, what supports to bring (headphones, earplugs, fidget toys, electronics, etc.), where you are seated, and a place you can “escape to” if your child has difficulty being quiet or staying in his or her place. Some may enjoy watching your child walk down the aisle with the bride and groom, but the bride and groom may not be so happy. If the event is in a hotel or other large building, it might be possible to reserve a room in advance to enable you and your child to take breaks or for a caregiver to keep your child entertained while you attend the event.

So the next time you open an invitation, take a deep breath, and think about how you can accept the invitation. If you can be flexible, plan ahead, and get the help you need, you and your family may be able to navigate the challenges of formal events with your child with a disability, and maintain those vital social connections that all human beings need to thrive.

judy@daybydayfamilysolutions.com
debbie@jjslist.com